~ Undue Reflections on Immaturity and Inexperience

Crawling out of the depths of her self-imposed cyber cave, the rarely seen above-ground Toronster can now be observed in her natural habitat... That is, slouched at her desk persistently procrastinating on her allotted amount of homework (which is often rather ridiculous in scope, by the way) and sipping luke-warm tea from her favorite mug, which boasts a slew of Shakespearean insults in various fonts. I mean, really: With such audacious verbal slurs as "veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth," clod of warward marl," and "mountain of mad flesh..." What's not to love? 

Anyway, you might now be asking yourself the very same question that I happen to be asking myself at this very moment: Do I really have the time to be here?

And, of course, the answer being exactly what is and should be expected of me by now: 

Not really, no.

Then, "why" you might ask?

Oh, I suppose I could say any number of trivial, believable things in my defense... Like I felt the need to "express my individuality through the liberating anonymity of the blogosphere" or something to that affect. The only problem being that any such impressive-sounding thing would be anything but true in this case. No, I'm afraid the simple truth is far less noble and a good deal more immature than even I would like to admit.

The REAL reason I'm here is that I'm feeling... Well, let's see, how do I say this...?

Pathetic.

Yes, I think that's really the best word to describe it.

It's not that I've given up on myself, or that I'm unreasonably stressed, depressed, or all three in a delightful pile of misery. No, I just feel like my current state of mind is not up to its usual par, and I find this fact to be rather disappointing.

Namely, I STILL have yet to figure out what it is I really, honestly, TRULY want to be doing with my life, or even what I want to get out of it. And even though it is my second year in this maelstrom of responsibility commingled with endless amounts of distraction, I'm still wading through the seemingly endless tide of the "zen art of balancing work, social life, and extra curricular" bullshit that I was dealing with last year.

But I digress, that's not really even the pathetic part. It's nothing new for me to be indecisive or, more accurately, to sit on the fence and wait until the very last second to make so much as a move in any given direction. No, none of the above really contributes to this feeling of self-directed bemusement. It is, in fact, the emergence of something I had originally deemed characteristic and (oh so very hopefully) exclusive to the realm of high school idiocy... And a particular aspect of which I had hoped to avoid entirely for at least the better part of my existence on this earth.

In other words: The classic, chick-flick crush on a boy who has no reason at all to know of my aforementioned lamentable existence.

There, I said it. So, go ahead: Weep for me. You know you want to.

Oh, for goodness sake; don't look so shocked! It's really not that bad! We all know I tend to be overdramatic (especially when it comes to things mostly fabricated in my own mind), anyway. It's probably just nothing; a totally insignificant nothing that I'll likely get over faster than you can say, "lump of foul deformity."

Oh, Shakespeare.  : )

But really: I've already leapt across the line of reality and exaggerated fiction; He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is, in fact, aware of my name. How else could he have said "Hi" those few times I've run into him on campus. And, in this unfamiliar plane we call reality, the whole thing really isn't anything worth over-analyzing in the least...

So, naturally, I'm going to go on to do just that right now.

... Just don't say I didn't warn you.

So, I might stare at the back of his head for extended periods of time, may or may not continuously save some of the better samples of his (rather good... Oh all right: pretty damn good) writing on my laptop, and might even (on the very rarest of occasions, of course) lapse into little fantasy reels in the back of my mind when I really should be taking notes on that day's riveting lecture... But that doesn't mean I have to go to such extreme lengths as... Well, you know -- actually talking to him, right? I mean, that would just be silly. Talking to a boy that I might even remotely consider as a romantic prospect -- HA!

Since when has that ever even drawn near the realm of possibility for me? 

Such an improbable venture is hardly worth putting forth the effort.

Oh, for goodness sakes! 

This is ridiculous. I'm officially an old geezer (AKA: 20 years old) now, and have no time for such trivial things as (actually / maybe / at some point in the far-flung future) attempting to get a boyfriend. I mean, I never needed nor really wanted one in high school, and I survived that especially frightening chapter of my life without latching myself on to some so-called "relationship." So, that in and of itself should console me and reaffirm my ideas that such a venture would be equal parts unprofitable as well as a potentially quite embarrassing one. After all, I have homework to do, club meetings to go to, articles to edit, fellow nerds to consort with, students to advise, sleep not to get...

Regardless, it all comes down to the same basic thing: It doesn't matter. He barely knows my name and, in all fairness, all I really know (and admittedly rather like) about the guy is that he has a fondness for dorky hats, is a fair shot of a writer (involuntary sigh), and has damn good taste in literature (close to my #1 requirement, in the unlikely event that you were wondering). So, here I stand; dangerously close to crossing the not-so-fine line between slight fixation and Creepersville, leading me to conclude that I really should be getting myself a life sometime here soon. Oh, and getting out more.

Like, a lot more. Seriously.

And just when you thought I was finished...

I guess I just thought that when I had finally crossed the bridge from high school to college life that things would be different, that there would be a dating scene that I might actually have some interest in looking into... But Willamette, is such a communal, tight-knit little place with so few students and nigh impenetrable groups of friends that it's bizarrely difficult to get to know anyone who doesn't happen to live in the same general area of campus as oneself... Rendering it an environment hardly conducive to fostering an actual 'dating scene' of any kind, least of all those affiliated with my particular brand of introversion. 

Sure, I share a class with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but besides the occasional "Hi, how are you? Whad'ja think of the reading last night?" there really isn't much opportunity for actual verbal discourse in that one miserly hour of academic servitude. Hence my use of the word "pathetic."

Great, there I go again with the dramatics. 

So, I've got a wee crush. It's nothing to worry about. I just have to focus on other things; of which I have more than plenty (just ask my fellow dormies), and the troublesome tingle should dwindle away on its own soon enough... Like a once-golden Twinkie after a millennium and a half spent neglected on the top shelf of Grandma's pantry.

All will be well so long as I can manage to keep from embarrassing myself and to conceal my occasional glances as best I can and feign disinterest if he does so happen to take notice. Provided I follow these directives and steer clear of any potential icebergs along the way, the fickle thing can and should disintegrate without much undue effort on my part. 

Except... I kind of don't want it to. 

Now, before you go leaping out of your chair and fuming at my excessive levels of inconsistency, give me a chance to over-explain myself again, won't you? What I mean to say is that it would be yet another opportunity missed on account of my (at times) ludicrous level of insecurity/shyness/stubborn muteness when in close proximity to those more eligible members of the opposite sex.

This new assertion leads me to a place at which I am forced to reconsider my original plan of action (or lack thereof, as it were). Maybe I really should force myself to dredge up just enough courage to allow me to talk to him every once in a while, if only in short, friendly bursts. That really shouldn't be too much to ask even from me, right? Then, when we draw to the close of the semester, I wouldn't be able to say that I hadn't at least given it a shot.

Oh, goodness! It is most certainly not a good sign when the unnecessarily wistful tone of a sentence is able to pass through the barrier of a computer screen, then is it? Ha, no; I didn't think so. With that then, I suppose I'll just end with the resolution that if something is to come of it, it will. I'm quite determined not to give it more thought than I already have. This rambling blog post has served to get most of the muddled mess out of my system as well as proven to be rather cathartic, just as I'd hoped... My only regret being that whosoever unfortunate enough to stumble upon this mess of words has been forced to delve into such a disorderly array of misguided musings! And for that, I do briefly apologize. Not all of my lengthy -- though few-and-far-between -- posts are so unduly focused on such an inane topic, I can assure you. 

And now that the last has been said, I must leave you with the reminder that this blog -- as well as all my girlish, often whimsical fantasies -- are my own, as they always have and always will be. After all, it is up to me to decide which of those dreams (that is, those that are even remotely possible on this plane of existence) I will put forth the effort to make into a reality. So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see on this one; so small it seems in comparison to all the rest that are floating out there in the ether.

Until whatever time shall be my next,

Torey
(tonight's "anointed sovereign of sighs and groans")

A Drabble in Pre-College Angst

Looking backwards...
  

 Once you have already committed to the great risk of stepping across the threshold of change, it's interesting to look back upon the time just before you finally decided to take the chance and make the leap. It is in such periods of transition that some of us begin to feel as though we embody everything that is muddled, confused, nervous, and uncertain about what immediately lay before us. These adjectives, I believe, described me quite well in the three weeks prior to my departure for Willamette.

     For almost the whole of summer, I spent my time imagining myself off and away to other places entirely: I would be striking out into the wilds of some mystical forest, conquering insurmountable odds to partake in the adventure of a lifetime, fighting alongside great armies in a battle for who-knows-what, and fraternizing with basically every fictional character that ever managed to strike my fancy... In other words: Basically getting up to all the escapist conquests that adhere to my normal standards of make-believe.

     For someone that had lived her life with only her parents, her animals, her blank pages, her books, the occasional friendly school-friend, and her imaginative creations for company, she was very used to being left to her own devices in order to keep herself occupied. And without any argumentative, annoying, or otherwise mind-grounding siblings to shake her from her endless theoretical musings, she dwelled on the many abstract thoughts and feelings which then so often rattled about in her jumbled young mind. Taking all of this into account, it is very easy to see why the promise of leaving all that had always been dear and constant in her short life proved such an unsettling prospect.

    And so, now at the near-close of my first year in the academic world of university education, I look back at this period in my life with more than a little bemused fondness. Yes, it was admittedly a very uncomfortable time for me, and one more than slightly charged with such warring emotions as both fear and excitement... But it was also the stage at which one of the biggest changes of my life was to take place, as it accompanied me in my very first venture out into the unknown, on my own.

    So, in order to conclude this little preamble before the main document, I wish to say the following "prompt and answer" questionnaire was one of the many products of my distinct case of boredom and another of my attempts at escaping the obligations of reality. However, it is not these facts that induced me to include it in this little, neglected blog of mine. Rather, it is because I believe one can learn a lot about a person by how they answer such questions, providing they do so honestly. And, as I am always wont to do, I nearly always go far beyond the "yes or no" answers that are usually applicable to such a simple survey, and end up (almost always inadvertently) including a good deal more information about myself than I had originally intended or even wanted... The very scope of which surprised me at the time, and now surprises me even more that I am able to compare the things which occupied my mind then, alongside the changes that have occurred as a result of my experiences in the frightening world of independence which was then so entirely foreign to me. For I do think that I have changed, at least a little, in more ways than one. And I believe it is beneficial to the maintenance of this sporadic log that I should include such insight into my thoughts and feelings before once again resuming my account of all the things that I am currently concerned with... Whenever it is that I decide to do so, of course. 

>> Keep in mind that the following is no longer a current representation of my thoughts and feelings, but view it as an interesting study, or look into the frazzled mind of an endlessly whimsical eighteen-year-old girl mere weeks before her entrance into college. <<

~*~*~*~

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 6:49pm

Medium: Facebook

"A Drabble in Pre-College Angst... You have been warned!"

Location: HOME

* Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight?

A rather unlikely assumption, I’m afraid. Unfortunately, I don’t think Mr. Darcy ever even received electricity at his home in Devonshire, much less had access to a telephone through which I could speak to his dashing self directly! *sigh*

* Ever had a near death experience?

When I was about three, I dimly remember driving home with my Dad from one of our many jaunts to the public library when suddenly I experienced a good jostling of the limbs, perceived a distinctly metallic crunch, and then once I was able to gather my distractible self together-- I began to giggle at the approaching red and blue lights, hoping the sound of oncoming sirens meant the parade had come early this year.

As it turned out, our car had been completely totaled and Dad’s legs only a hair’s breadth away from being crushed by the impact. So much for a starlight parade!

* Where’s your cell phone?

In the front pocket of my hippie purse! :D

* What is the last thing you thought about?

Taking great pride in being Scotch-Irish in all respects excepting that which involves crisping, burning, and then charring one's skin every shade of red under the sun in a matter of minutes.

* Do you regret anything?

Oh, sometimes. When I think about events long past, I know I can’t change them... So I try not to dwell, but do my best to at least NOT repeat the mistakes belonging to the most painful chapters of my experience.

* If you found out you were pregnant, who would you tell?

Hopefully the gent in question first! Also, I would hope this occurrence would take place at some MUCH LATER and more stable period in my life in which there would be cause for celebration, not worry or even mortification over my new condition. Plus, the very possibility of myself entering such a state is null and void at the moment... Which I'm perfectly fine with, thank you very much! xP

* What are you going to do this weekend?

Hmm, now that you mention it-- I don’t know exactly. Perhaps I’ll just laze about... Or laze about with friends, which are two entirely different things, of course. River rafting may even be on the agenda for Friday or Saturday, actually! ;)

* When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Yesterday! <3 :D <3

* Do you prefer revenge or just pure jealousy/envy?

Ah, neither. Both (or all three, depending on your definition of each) are extremely ugly and unproductive phases of emotion, usually borne from insecurities and lack of confidence in oneself or others.

* Who would you like your next “fling” to be with?

I don’t think I’m a particularly “fling-y” type, but that’s not to say I would turn down Tom Felton in the extremely unlikely event that he should ask. xP

* Would you curse in front of your parents?

My parents are not really ones to care as long as whatever obscenities I decide to spout are not A) directed at them, B) have anything to do with animals, C) or are uttered for any reason more serious than a vicious stubbing of my big toe.

* What kind of camera do you have?

I HAD an amazing, wonderful, fabulous, and positively DIVINE Canon Powershot... But, alas, it died a very abrupt and crushing death that left me stranded in a wasteland of despair and lens-deprived depression for weeks. Unfortunately, I still have yet to procure another; but it is on my to-do list before I depart for University this August.

* Would you rather go to a party or out of town?

Out of town. I am a proud carrier of the travel-bug, and for me, there has never been (nor probably ever will be) any possible cure for the addiction. I even get to go to the coast on Monday!

* Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?

As a matter of fact, it rather seems like it. Though, I am extremely loathe to have this happen. We actually have a tendency to drift away and then back into each other’s lives almost at random, so I hope another curve in the road will allow us to see one another again before we’re sequestered off to our separate institutions in our upcoming year of study.

* When was the last time you held someone’s hand?

I believe it was during an extremely awkward and horribly decorated dance in middle school that I last did anything of the kind. Let’s just say it wasn’t particularly voluntary or pleasant, either way.

* Who can you tell everything to?

A) My Mom, B) Close Runner-up: Lexi... That about covers it. And, even so, there are still some things I prefer not to divulge to anyone, really. I’m just that type of introvert, I guess.

* Can you play guitar hero?

Yes, albeit very, VERY POORLY. I warn you: My degree of lameness has not only shocked, but almost demented several of my acquaintance already!

* Is any part of your body sore?

My head aches just a little, but that can be easily accounted for by all of those troublesome musings rattling around in there day-in and day-out. ;b

* Missing someone right now?

Yes, indeed. The nature of friendly company is that it is almost always in want, I think. ^^”

* Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?

Draco... *siiiiigh* ... Hmm? Oh, did you say something? I’m sorry. xD

* When was the last time you saw the person you last kissed?

Ah, I am afraid I lack in really any kind of experience of the above... So, another N/A for me.

* Do you like your phone?

Meh. I believe I should like something more aesthetically pleasing than the poor, bedraggled, and once glorious thing I own now.

* Last alcohol beverage?

I think I had a sip or two of a Mimosa at my cousin's wedding last Spring.

* Have you ever slept in a bed with the opposite sex?

Well, I recall sharing a tent with such a one when I was about 13 on a friend/family get-together... But that's the last I remember of it.

* Have any of your best friends ever back-stabbed you?

I don't believe I would call them a 'best friend' if something like that ever took place. But no, none of those closest to me have ever intentionally harmed me.

* If you had to move in with a friend, which one would you pick?

Lexi, for sure. <3 We would probably get on each other's nerves every now and again, but would totally make up for it later by laughing over some inconsequential thing that somehow struck us both as positively hilarious at the time... Phenomena such as this seem to occur rather often around the two of us.

* What’s the seventh text message in your inbox say?

I'm not at all that frequent of a text-er.

* When is your next road trip?

I'm scheduled to gallivant off to the Oregon coast and [maybe] drop in on Lexi starting Monday! Plus, there's the added bonus that I'll probably be able to drive the new car up there. *sigh* You have simply got to love the open road. <3

* What did you do this weekend?

Played Final Fantasy, ate, slept, read Harry Potter, drank tea, poured out my soul into my journal to my sentimental heart's content, read some Jane Austen, cat napped, watered the plants, tended the garden, painted the house, read a few lines of Shakespeare, had difficulty coming up with the proper concluding sentiment to grace the last page of my writings, rocked out on Youtube, chatted on the phone with Lexi, ranted to my Mom, frustrated my Dad, mulled over too many things that are far too big for me to deal with now, took aspirin for a headache, brooded some more, beat the ever-living hell out of some demonic monster in Prince of Persia and felt the better for it, flew across the room with a good set of round and jumping kicks in Taekwon-do/cracked on my new form for an hour or so, rode my bike to the post office and dropped off some mail later than I had originally planned, drank some lemonade, snuggled in bed and didn't sleep past 10.

* Met anyone new in the past week?

Sadly, no. Though, if you check my status, you'll see that I've been particularly starved for such needed social interaction for a little longer than I believe to be healthy at this point! D':{

* What does your best friend call you?

Torey, Moogle, Comrade, Chibi, Toadstool, Glurgh... It all depends on the timing of the thing, you see.

* Who was the last person to go to the movies with you?

I went to the Harry Potter premier a little over a week or so ago along with Hannah, Alex, and Monsieur David.

* Are you currently fighting with someone?

This seems to be the common trend lately, but mostly all the conflict is centered around and within myself. If I inadvertently drag myself down, I get frustrated. If I try to push things too far and end of nearly throwing myself overboard, I hide away in my cave and try to recuperate. This last stage I thought would be well over by now, but it would seem such is NOT the case.

* Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

... And just watch now as Harry Potter continues to pervade the very essence of this note beyond all means normally thought possible. Dare I utter another ridiculously fanciful sigh?
Oh yes, yes I do. x3

* Who/What would you like to see right now?

SOMETHING worthwhile to do! That same something also tells me that perhaps it is a good thing, after all, that I will soon be shuttled off to another place entirely for the rest of the year... I may very well be in danger of going mad if I stay in this static, fixed state of things very much longer without any reprieve.

* Are you mad at someone right now?

Again, mostly myself, my inner-self, and all those other IDs inside me which constantly argue amongst themselves without interruption and nearly always fail to heed my calls for order.

* What’s the nicest text in your inbox say?

Oh! Well, it 'tisn't there anymore, actually. But, a little while back, I received this very surprising declaration of love and concern over my supposed state of illness, as well as a well-wish to get better. It was rather sweet, but seeing as I have not been sick since this past Spring and have no idea who the poor bloke txting is or was... I somehow doubt it had anything at all to do with me!

* Do you mainly use your house phone or your cell phone?

Cell, mainly. It's just more convenient. 電話はとても便利じゃないんですよ！

* Is there an empty place in your heart?

Now that you mention it, today it does feel a tad bit hollower than usual. But, hopefully, that can be soon remedied... Though by what, I honestly do not pretend to know.

* Do you count down the days till anything?

Often, but then end up barely recollecting which day it is currently for the constant attention to help me any.

* Are you looking forward to something as of right now?

I think this may very well be the root cause of my current predicament: No, not really.

* Have you ever been called a tease?

Not in the sense that you seem to be insinuating, no.

* What are your chances of getting with your crush?

None at all, since the poor lad's completely fictional! Damn the inconvenience of it all!!! D:<

* What is the farthest you’ve traveled with a friend?

The lower, tropical island of Shikoku, Japan. Tokushima prefecture, that which is best known agriculturally for limes, to be precise.

* Are any of your friends so close that you consider them family?

Lexi could always be considered the closest I've ever gotten to having a sibling, even if she has always been so far removed from me in regards to location. Happily, however, we will be nearer each other than we have ever been come this fall!

* Anyone told you a secret this week?

Not that I'm aware of, or else I've just forgotten.

* Do you ever turn your cell phone off?

Not really, only when it forces me to do so by pain of death... You'd be genuinely surprised what one imagines household items are saying at 3:00 in the morning. <{O.o}"

* Do you hate anyone?

I'm not a saint. I get angry... But it's usually too fleeting or feeble of an emotion to last very long or endure beyond a reasonable amount of time.

* Last time you wore the opposite sex’s clothing?

Painting the set/props for Seussical, I think.

* What do you want in your life right now?

Connection. Adventure. Experience. Learning. Discovery. Inspiration. Change. Hope. Dreams. Creativity. Spontaneity. Fun. Travel. Freedom. Self-Confidence. Humor.

* When was the last time you laughed so hard you thought you were going to cry?

Last time I saw Lexi, I think.

* Did you tell someone something today?

Usually one does, at least once in a day. But, yes. I told my mother, quite honestly, that I was positively terrified to be leaving. She asked why I'm telling her this now, when I have known about my imminent departure for months. I answer simply that I've been doing my very best to ignore the fact and steep myself in the good, strong, numbing water of denial for those past months... And it's been working very well up until now. And, again, she asks how it is that I came to so suddenly feel the impact of the well-known information. And I tell her that just yesterday I actually forced myself to look at a calendar and for once truly made a distinction between itself and reality. And what then did reality tell me, you ask? That I have precisely 3 weeks before leaving my home, my family, and all that I have known and been familiar with for the last 18 years of my life. And so, I found myself suddenly to be very much afraid.

* Do you trust people easily?

No, not readily. It's just a practice I've learned to view as impractical.

* What were you doing at 9pm Friday night?

Working well into the night at the local pizza parlor, making ready the workspace for the crew the next day... Which took a considerable amount of time, probably much longer than it should have, really.

~*~*~*~

And, there you have it.

~ Until next time, all...